2025: ins and outs
new year's intentions and things i'm trying to leave behind this year!
If I remember correctly, I chose the word “ease” as my guiding mantra in 2024. It was a reminder to be okay with moving slowly, or with other things and people moving more slowly than I would like. Whispering “I crave ease” to myself allowed me to move my mindset away from thinking of everything as challenge, to instead focus on how to solve problems creatively and treat things as opportunities to grow.
This, though, is the year, of commitment. The last days of December and early days of January were filled with glimpses of me stumbling upon this as a goal. For example:
jan 01: the experience taught me the importance — nay, the necessity of being patient, and it also taught me that i can do things that scare me, no matter how hard they seem in the moment
dec 28: when we talk about wanting to lead a comfortable life, we mean having a warm bed and enough to eat and having an environment where you feel safe enough to go beyond the confines of the every day life. hm. that’s interesting. when we talk about having a comfortable life, we mean building a life where it feels safe to feel uncomfortable.
My skin has gotten really thick this year, and I think it has something to do with at some point deciding to stick to my guns. I applied for research fellowships knowing that they would take me abroad, and I followed through and found the lodging and got the visa and figured out health insurance and paying rent and all of the other logistical hassles that come with just existing. I signed up for the marathon and started the training with every intention of running the race in just about 3 months from today.
I like having thicker skin because it’s really helped me overthink less. From a young age, I got stuck in ruminating spirals of worry all the time, ones that kept me awake or in perfectionistic traps. What would so-and-so think of me if I made xyz choice? How do I protect myself from rejection? What “bulletproof” strategies can I come up with to guarantee success?
The thicker skin is essentially an effect of me trusting myself more. I alluded to this last week in talking about finding more of my voice in 2024. It comes from me knowing — and really believing — that things work out, that I’ll be okay, that nothing is really that serious.
Now that I feel more sure of myself, I want to lean into her voice and desires and hopes and dreams. I want to commit to what I say I care about and want for myself. I’m not exactly craving more commitment from other people; this is about honoring the promises I hold for myself.
Here’s how we’re doing it.
things i’m leaving behind
SCROLLING
The likely impending TikTok legislation is making me rethink my relationship to social media’s infinite scroll. I say this as someone who’s quite enjoyed all parts of the process of making TikToks in the last 2ish years (follow if you want). But I don’t like how much time I spend rolling around on the couch or in bed looking for validation or relatable recipes or makeup tips I don’t need or book recommendations in genres I don’t particularly like.
NOT SLEEPING ENOUGH
I’ve been doing a lot of the revenge bedtime procrastination, where I put off going to bed because of some warped FOMO I have due to the time difference between me in France and my friends in North America. We gotta stop that and start prioritizing a full night’s sleep over sending that last text right before closing my eyes. Maybe more of these sleep meditation podcasts are in order for 2025.
COMPLAINING
I would like to complain way less, especially when I’m around other people. I want to be more outwardly grateful, and I want to be someone who finds solutions to things that I want to change.
My journal though? She can hold onto my complaints so that my conscious brain can dream up cool stuff.
ACCIDENTALLY DEHYDRATING MYSELF
Definitely self explanatory because water is good for you. But as an athlete, I need to be drinking way more water throughout the day and not just drinking water during my runs. Reducing caffeine intake and not drinking when I don’t want to drink will also help with that. I also find that having more water helps with some of my anxiety symptoms, and it would be nice to just take more steps to take care of myself in that way.
SHOPPING
I do not need more stuff. This is especially true as I’m already thinking about packing up my belongings next summer, and because I’ll likely be moving out of Boston next year and want to make my life as easy as possible in the coming years.
what i’m bringing in :)
READING
This Christmas, I inherited an iPad from my mom. My iPad mini from 2016 won’t update anymore, and I wanted to be able to read ebooks checked out from Libby and annotate pdfs more easily than what the computer allows me to do. During moments of downtime, I’ve already noticed myself gravitating towards my iPad to read, and it’s game-ified the reading experience because I still get to sit on the couch with metal electronic brick, but I’m not doing something mind-numbing.
My goal for the year is 75 books, and I’ll be tracking on Fable this year because we don’t need to keep giving daddy bezos our money. Plus, it’s a more fun platform. (And yes, audiobooks count as reading.)
LONG HAIR
I’ve had some version of a bob/pixie since the start of 2023, and have loved it. Gave me a lot of freedom to explore gender expression and my style, such that I amusingly get called “he” in airports. But I miss styling long curls and putting my hair in claw clips and doing French braids before long runs. Having short hair deepened my knowledge about how I like to to take care of my curls, and I’m just interested to see how I can use that new knowledge on longer hair again.
MORE WRITING
Hopefully with less scrolling, I open up time to get my writing done for the year. need to finish two dissertation chapters in 2025 to be on time for degree completion in May 2026. I want to put more time into my novel that’s been ongoing for over 10 years. And I want to write more for in the weeds as I work to build up a community of reflective writer types and the intellectually curious.
Not sure what goal-setting will look like on those fronts, but rest assured you’ll be the first to know.
COMMITTING TO THE BIT
I’ve been someone who, say, when we’re on the way somewhere and the route needs to change mid-way through, I persist on the original path. It’s a blessing and a curse. But this year, I’m choosing to think of it as a blessing. I want to trust my instincts more and go in the directions that I feel compelled to follow. I want to resonate with an inside joke so hard that it becomes my personality for weeks at a time.
I don’t want to wait to do something tomorrow if I have the time and energy to do it today.
A propos showing up more on this platform, I’m going to embark on a more frequent posting schedule at least for Q1. I’m doing this for a couple reasons, ranging from challenging myself to a weekly writing deadline to gaining a few more paid subscriptions to support my very meh grad student stipend.
But most importantly, I want to expand reach more folks who:
juggle multiple passions and projects simultaneously
want some demystification about pursuing research and academic life
value transparency, vulnerability, and community in a world that seems to favor exploitation and individualism
need a little extra sparkle ✨
I have realized in the last year that Community and Friendship are some of values I hold most dear, and I want to keep the good vibes going! The kettle is on, and things are brewing…
If you enjoyed this installment of in the weeds, then please do share with a friend, drop me a line, or feel free to leave a tip! Truly such a gift to have you here with me.
This is not at all the important part of this beautiful piece but: LONG HAIR CANA COMING BACK??? Iconic.