sprouts

little bb updates about journaling and books these days!

TLDR: i’ve been feeling a little insecure about my relationship to journaling and unsure of how to find pleasure in reading these days. there’s something about summer’s slowness that zaps me of the ability to sit still and makes me want to go be out and about and moving all the time.

the full post is visible for the paid subscriber fam since it feels a little more vulnerable! if you want to read more, you can unlock your free post, upgrade your subscription, or leave a little tip and i’ll personally give you access! i would love to have you. <3

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morning pages :/

confession: journaling has gotten hard.

i used to wake up easily each morning, stumble my way to the kitchen for a mug of coffee, and then set up at my desk to journal through the grogginess and find some direction for my day.

but since summer started, i haven’t felt as compelled. part of it has to do with going to bed late, waking up later, and wanting to go on a run before it gets too hot, and by the time i’ve stretched and showered, the day is already under way. but then i meander throughout the day giving myself things to do (the amorphousness of summer break is so painful sometimes), and it’s not like i don’t have time to journal and scribble at some point during the day.

i also started a new journal when i got back from paris, and it has given me an identity crisis. it’s thicker than i’m used to, the pages aren’t numbered, and it’s a dark color that doesn’t stand out compared to my slough of other notebooks and office/art supplies.

sorry not sorry for the mess and jumble :)

the biggest thing is that journaling does not feel like a super resonant practice these days, and so i have been less consistent with it. then i feel scared about this shift in my creative/personal (dare i say also professional???) practice, and then i feel bad for not being consistent, and then i feel like a bad journaler, and then i don’t touch the pages, and then when i come back to it, holding the pen feels foreign. —> every time i think i have learned to deal with sticky feelings of guilt and shame related to aspects of my creative life, i fall into its trap again and have to remember that those are feelings i apparently will always work on.

i’ve just been really feeling the weight of the work required to care for your inner child. when i’m feeling anxious or stressed, it’s usually because i feel small or unintelligent in some way, and i have usually needed the space to write out affirmations that remind me of how strong and capable i actually am. but sometimes the thought spirals prevent me from hitting the pages at all, and i forget that they’re there for me as a tool. then the cycle continues.

BUT: this is not to say that there haven’t been some gems over the last few months!