on challenges
diss diary #5: the mid-year check-in where I try to see things as opportunities for growth
Dearest Weed-ers,
What a strange time it has been. Here’s the recap of what’s gone down:
My article has been approved, and I’ve sent off the edits to the proofs!! Hoping to be able to link to it in the next diss diary!
Most of my time over the last month has gone toward working on my Visa application. It has definitely been stressful and full of so many moving pieces, balls to juggle, plates to spin. More on this below.
When I haven’t been fielding emails in French and overanalyzing my responses, I’ve red several books as part of my summer reading project! I reviewed some in a recent sprouts post, and there are also reviews on my Goodreads that capture my initial reactions before I take more detailed notes.
I’ve gotten back into my ideal routine of 3 runs + 3 cross-training sessions (usually Pilates, sometimes with weights, usually without) every week. It has felt really good! I’m in a base-building phase where I want to work on decreasing my pace and be averaging about 15 miles per week. It’s all part of the long-term prep for the 2025 Paris Marathon!!!
The other day on FaceTime, my sister absolutely read me for filth, as only sisters can do with one another. I’m about to visit her for a week, and for a couple of days she has to go into the office, and I was like “well, what am I going to do while you’re at work??” and she was like, “you can come with me and work,” since her office is in a coworking space, and she added with a sprinkle of her sarcasm: “I know how much trouble you’ve been having with focusing and getting anything done.”
The woman (me) was too stunned to speak.
She (my sister) wasn’t wrong. I have not felt very productive on any of my goals over the last six months, if we’re being realistic.
At the beginning of the year, I tried to prevent this from happening. So, naturally, I downloaded a free Notion template for tracking progress on my research and writing. I made customized headers in Canva, and tweaked all the tables and trackers. I even made a page dedicated to my summer reading list. It all took several afternoons to set up, and yet I haven’t used it much.
Notion is too complicated for me to use when I already have systems I like, even if they’re not super streamlined. And that, combined with a general sense of being overwhelmed whenever I look at all the huge things that desperately need doing, has contributed to this ongoing productivity slump.
I’ve been stuck in loops of thinking instead of doing,
of worrying about the outcome before I’ve even taken steps in its direction. Everything feels way too big, and I have forgotten how to break things down manageably. It’s embarrassing to feel so paralyzed with (in)decision fatigue, especially when you feel like everyone else around you can wake up most days and just do their jobs, whatever they are.
I was reminded that, awhile ago, I wrote about a desire to detach from end-products and fall in love with the feeling of arriving:
“I dream of living a life where the process of arriving feels good, too. I want to savor the practice of creating every day... My word of 2024 is ease. I dream of a life where I am making all the time because scribbling in ink or watercolor-ing landscapes come so easily to me that I can’t not do them. I want to allow myself to feel a little lost rather than needing to be in control all the time. Beautiful things emerge from the unpredictability…”
I really haven’t done as much art-making — watercolor, doodling, writing — as I originally hoped. It’s not the fact that I have nothing to show for my efforts that is bugging me. I’m annoyed by the fact that I haven’t felt able to concentrate long enough to pour my energy into those goals.
Is it because of fear? Almost certainly. This has been a summer full of big changes. Like I mentioned up-top, I’ve been applying for a researcher-talent Visa to be in France next year. I know that people apply for Visas every day (including my partner, who has gone through the process several times for several countries), but man, has it thrown me for a loop. Headache-inducing, bilingual logistics aside, the application process managed to latch onto my imposter syndrome. “you don’t deserve this, why are you doing this, this is too hard, this won’t be worth it, this is too hard please stop please stop.”
“I used to be quite resilient,” Dallas Green sings in “The Grand Optimist.” I don’t know that I would have ever described myself that way, but I still think it’s true. When you’re younger, things roll off of you more easily or more quickly. It’s probably some evolutionary thing. It could also be that I just don’t remember the visceral bodily feelings that come with being challenged because holding onto those feelings for too long means avoiding hard things and then never getting anything done.
I think back to my last two years of high school, when I maxed out my schedule with AP courses and piano lessons and marching band and college applications. It was hard. But I was too busy juggling it all to notice how hard I was working, to notice the settling in of burnout. I was too busy doing to worry about overthinking.
Most of the time, I feel bad that my teenage self felt so much pressure. But sometimes I miss her confidence and her belief that she could do absolutely everything she wanted.
The person getting me through is my 8-year-old self who wished for this, who didn’t care about speed bumps but leaned in to the childlike optimism of having dreams. She would be SO proud of me. Scratch that: she is proud of me. She is still keeping me company.
I need to get better at understanding challenges as opportunities.
This is something my partner gently advised me of after I had a mini meltdown about not being to play mini golf earlier this week. Saying it out loud now, it’s a little silly. In the moment, I knew the meltdown wasn’t about my plan not working out. But it took me a bit to realize that it felt like a manifestation of my feeling generally out-of-control of where my life is going, and how the overthinking perfectionist gremlin feels like it’s winning right now.
Somewhere along the way, the challenges have gotten harder, and I have gotten softer. Neither of which is a bad thing necessarily, but I think just part of life. We’re dealing with big stuff over here: inflation running rampant, job uncertainties, prepping to live abroad, a looooong distance relationship, a huge dissertation project. And it’s been hard to remember that there are things I can control about my environment, which…I guess I’ve been doing all along, like running and drinking water and trying to read just 10 pages a day.
He reminded me that challenges present opportunities to learn something new, to do something different, to be creative with how we lead our lives. He has led his life in a way that allows him to embrace uncertainty as a chance to have new experiences, rather than feeling helpless with the lack of control.
As we get older, I think the challenges do get bigger: *insert relatable comment about adulting.* But as I’ve grown into my adulthood, I have also wanted to lighten up and have more patience with myself. And maybe I’ve overcorrected for the times I pushed too hard and wore myself into the ground. And now it’s time to find a new homeostasis because maybe that’s what growing is: tinkering to try to find your personal sweet spot.
Really feeling like I’m in the weeds. Just trying to grow around the tree branches and between blades of grass, looking for some sun. I can do hard things is a recurring mantra. I am capable is another. You are not doing it alone appears again and again in my morning pages. Things will work out the way they are supposed to.
So for the rest of the month, I’m going to really lean on journaling and silly little checklists, and I’m going to get lots of outdoor enrichment time through runs, walks, beach dips, hikes, hot girl reading sessions. This experience of difficulty will pass, and I know that I will be grateful for the opportunity to chase a dream, pursue a goal, even if it felt impossible in the moment of doing it. I’m still doing it!!!
This might be a challenge, but it is also an opportunity.
thank you so dearly for your eyes and ears. if you feel so called, feel free share this post with a friend or leave leave a tip! i am oh-so grateful to be witnessed in this journey, and honored to show up and live out a version of my little writer life. :)
with love,
Cana<3
Cana! So beautiful! Love love love the title drop late in the article very Dr. Who coded