sprouts: newness, slowness

some loose thoughts after two weeks in Paris ✨

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SEPT. 14, 08:46 // i’m only having doubts now that i can’t do anything about [it]. because i have to go eventually… leaving today is part of the promise i made to myself, and it is important to me to hold true to the things i said i would do in this life… it may not look like how i imagined… but it is enough for me to have a dreamy little life where i read my books over coffee at a bistrot or cantine caffeinee, to sit on my balcony caring for plants, to open my computer and string together new and original insights. that is all i have ever wanted…

i started a new journal the morning i flew out to paris, which was very satisfying. especially because for most of that day i was doing the satisfying thing of cleaning my apartment and the not-so satisfying thing of guiltily shoving last-minute things into suitcase crevices.

before, i think i felt like the day i left the U.S. would be when everything changed. quite literally overnight, i thought i would arrive in a new place with new sounds and smells and sights. but i woke up the morning of September 14th, and it just felt like any other day animated by the usual mixture of nerves and excitement.

so when did things start to change? how far back in the timeline did momentum start to shift?

• was it mid-August, when my visa was approved?

• was it in April, when I heard about having received funding?

• was it in November 2023, when I submitted my first round of fellowship applications?

• was it in the spring of 2023, when I heard that I had funding for the 2023-24 academic year, some of which I used to be in France for 2.5 months as prep for my current journey abroad?

• was it sometime in the spring of 2017, when I wrote my first paper on the Chopin-ian influence in Gabriel Fauré’s piano works? (that project inspired my Honors thesis about Fauré’s art songs, which helped get me into grad school)

• or was it deciding, sophomore year of college, to add French as my second major?

• or, was it switching from Spanish to French at my international school when i was 8 years old, spending an hour each day playing games in a foreign language? I was also fortunate to have peers from francophone countries that I could practice with outside of class, too.

there are so many moments throughout the longue durée of life that, in retrospect, seem to have contributed to me arriving in Paris to do independent archival research for an original dissertation that supports my Harvard PhD. what an unbelievable sentence.

the difficulty of choosing a beginning for this new chapter forces me to come to terms just how special my life has become. and i haven’t realized it after all this time.

SEPT 21, 09:20 // last night i was feeling down and a little spirally… i think it just means that im ready to try making a more regular routine for myself… and this means going going to bed well before midnight if i expect to wake up at all before 8am. it means letting myself be distraction free for a couple hours of the day and saying to myself that i don’t need to know what’s going on at all times with everyone else in my life and in the world because that’s not what life is for. it’s not for living life afar: it’s for living in the moment where you are, where i am.

moving has really messed with my sense of time. in the mornings, i feel like utterly disconnected from my home worlds in the U.S., which is equal parts unsettling and liberating? like it means that i have the mornings to myself where no one is asking anything of me and i can just do my silly little slow mornings of journaling, working out, and having a cozy work routine.

but nighttime is harder because everyone else in my life is awake and active and has things to say, and my FOMO makes me want to text everyone back or indulge in the scheduled phone call at 9pm GMT+2. so in the last couple weeks i’ve really had trouble shutting off in the evening and find myself infinite scrolling as i wait for people to text back. and it’s taking a toll on my sleep and therefore my ability to enjoy the mornings, when i am at my best.

i think this feeling will lessen the more time i spend here, and the more i sink into a flow state, and *gasp* maybe even make some more connections (i.e. friends lol) on the ground here. but routine is still elusive.

SEPT 26, 09:18 // i just don’t feel great [physically] and it’s playing all these games on my mentally too… this is part of the process even if it wasn’t part of the plan.

and then i got sick and pretty much stayed in bed for 3 days, rolling around being sweaty and sticky and with lower back pain and sinus pain.

for whatever reason, whenever i get ill, it can start to feel like the world is ending. i think it’s from all the years growing up when i would have to go to school when i was sick, and so whenever i feel equivalently ill, i feel really bad for not pushing as hard as i used to. and so not only do i feel ill, but i feel guilty for not working and feel guilty for not being as “strong” as i used to be. couple that with navigating a pharmacy visit in your non-native language and grocery stores without the usual things that bring me comfort when i’m sick, and it was pretty dismal.

im feeling better now, still low energy and a little mushy in the brain. but i went for a long walk and bought myself flowers the other day, and finally video chatted with my partner after over a week. ready to try again this week.

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i don’t need to rush. i have time and space this year to get done what needs to get done. the days are totally mine, and i have time to cook beans from dried for a soup, and i can enjoy slow afternoons over a matcha and a book, listening to the sounds of the quartier.

i have caught myself wanting to rush through the discomfort of beginnings, when really, beginnings calls for patience and slowness. they require accepting that things might feel challenging or out-of-body or whatever other emotion comes up. —> but if i rush through all of that, i miss out on the new experiences that i crave for the months ahead of me.

so i’m giving myself permission to be slow and patient as i continue to settle.

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thanks so much for reading and listening! <3

in case you missed it, i recently wrote about my approach to dealing with daily writing goals and assessing my workflow, and i’m pretty proud of how it came together! see below.

and we will have a proper diss diary coming out in two-ish weeks. i see these as slightly more focused reflections on goals, achievements, and plans for the future (see, for example, “on loving and living” or “on challenges”).

the posts in between monthly diss diaries are ones that i allow to be a little looser and messy. several other editions of sprouts are for upgraded subscription tiers, but this post gives you a glimpse of what those are like! so if you want more of the rawness and maybe some of my fiction writing, feel free to upgrade your subscription for just $5/month, or you can leave a one-time tip!

either way, i am happy to have you. tysm for being in the weeds with me: until next time!🪴